I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
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I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.