The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
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*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me buying fruit and veg
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*