doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
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I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
felt that
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO