Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
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OMG 🤣🤣
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
One venti cheeseburger please.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
a god among men
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
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5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.