Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
You Might Also Like
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
#Caturday