Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
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I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
a fate I wish upon no one
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Erm I’m gonna say no
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.