It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
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Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again