Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over