forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
You Might Also Like
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?