The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
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90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*