“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
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I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.