You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
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I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Chemical wingman
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime