Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
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Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”