I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
You Might Also Like
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
it be like that
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest