To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
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new year update: losing everything but weight
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.