The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
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the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
saw this in a dream
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…