Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
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*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right