I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
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The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
How to draw a duck
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.