Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
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Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I hope Alan is OK
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza