Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
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Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Meow?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people