The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
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me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨