Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
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Digital security in Ancient Troy
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??