[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
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I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
There are usually two types of merchants.