Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
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looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Light as a feather, smorg as a board