ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
You Might Also Like
mom gave me mine for free
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar