My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
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Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
had to make it
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Have a lovely day 😊
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?