If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
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Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Come back with a warrant
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.