5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
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Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”