A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
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I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
lmfao come on
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”