god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.