So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
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[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
The photographer’s assistant
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.