Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
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The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees