Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Never ghost your hitman.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit