Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
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Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
concern