just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
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Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow