My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
You Might Also Like
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
greetings!
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now