The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
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Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.