Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
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“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
How wrong was this guy?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Siri: Retweet me.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something