If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
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Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?