Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
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[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.