you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
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Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Uh oh…
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet