That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
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Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.