When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
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Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.