[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
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God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3