Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
You Might Also Like
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village