I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
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Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
every single time
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Not all heroes wear capes….
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.