me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
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Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
How do dragons blow out candles?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.