r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
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I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Sheep
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
#damn
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse