A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
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Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
haha same
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?