Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
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it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.